Religion is Like a Penis

I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I couldn’t help myself when my dad passed this along. The Zen of South Park just seemed like the perfect place for it.

The book is almost done. It’s been “sitting in a drawer” for a while, but it wants to come out and be finished. Where does one find the time to finish when life seems to have moved on?

Stan is Challenged to a Race and the Parents Fend off Time Shares in “Asspen,” South Park Episode 603

An episode all about timeshares and parodying the classic 80s John Kussack movie, Better Off Dead. Who could ask for anything more? Well, me, but this episode is still amusing in a variety of ways. After all, I love Better Off Dead and seeing movies that made John Kussack into the semi-big celebrity that he is today. Plus, they really make that movie seem ridiculous…which it sort of is.

The parents decide to take the children with them to Aspen so that they can learn to ski. After all, it’s free so long as they sit through a brief timeshare presentation. The relentless timeshare presenters, however, won’t let them go without more information and it seems that everyone, right up to the town’s policemen, are in on the gig.

Unfortunately for Stan this trip to Aspen is also less than enjoyable as he somehow gets roped into skiing on a dangerous slope against a top skier – and he doesn’t even know how to ski. He can barely pizza and french fry.

A funnier part of this episode is when Cartman gives Butters The Hitler, a nighttime mustache wiped on his upper lip with a piece of poo. This foreshadows, I believe, the episode in which Cartman does a series of terrible things to Butters in his sleep, ending with a penis in the mouth.

What did you think about this episode?

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Mrs. Garrison’s Sexuality is Changing Again in South Park Episode 1205, “EEK! A Penis!”

Yes, that’s right – on television you can watch a woman who was once a man grow herself a penis on the back of a mouse so that she can have a sex change operation to become a man again – and then make fun of homosexuals. It’s not 1958 anymore my friends!

What a great episode for a lot of reasons, but especially the whole genetically engineering a cock on the back of a mouse one.

In the meantime, while Mrs. Garrison is gallivanting around trying to become a man again, Cartman is put in charge of the classroom because he managed to get the students’ scores up. How? By teaching them how to cheat – an excellent reference to a movie I remember watching in my AP Calculus class in high school, Stand and Deliver. But there was no cheating in that movie.

What did you think about this episode? What was your favorite part?

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Jimmy Puts His Boner in a Hooker to Save His Comedy Act in South Park Episode 907, “Erection Day”

The South Park Elementary Talent Show is on the horizon and in classic Jimmy fashion, Jimmy plans on performing some of his hilarious stand-up comedy. However, he’s begun getting erections at the most inopportune times and has no idea how to curb his trouser-snake’s enthusiasm. In short, he’s terrified of popping wood while doing stand-up in front of the whole school.

Jimmy tries all he can think or and asks advice from his friends, including Butters, who tells him that he has to stick his penis in a girl’s vagina until warm milk comes out in order to get rid of his boner. Brilliant advice!

Jimmy begins by asking girls on dates, taking them to Italian restaurants and then asking them if he can, in effect, stick it in. Eventually he tries a hooker, and when he treats her nice, taking her out because he doesn’t recognize the difference between a hooker and a date, he ends up battling her former pimp for her loyalty. It’s quite a situation.

By the end, does Jimmy get rid of his boner in order to perform his stand-up comedy? I guess you’ll have to watch to find out.

What did you think? What was your favorite part?

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Funny Motivational Poster About Australia, Abraham Lincoln and Bear Calvary

Like to laugh?

Which was your favorite?

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Hilarious Motivational Posters about Stingrays, the War on Drugs and Darth Vader

Huh?

Did you like those? Which was your favorite?

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South Park episode 310, “Chinpokomon,” Teaches of Fads and Japanese Endowments

This episode contains two very important truths. The first is that we shouldn’t do things just because everyone else is doing them. The second is that Japanese people have very small penises compared to Americans.

Kyle and Stan have the following conversation when Kyle is trying to like Chinpokomon like the other boys:

Stan: Kyle, you see, we learned something today. This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed a group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did, and look at the damage it caused.
Kyle: So now I should stop liking Chinpokomon because you all don’t?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: But if I stop now, I’d just be going with the group again so to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor.
Stan: Oh, wait. Actually, Kyle, I was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy sometimes.
Kyle: Ah, screw it. I’m too confused.

Not only does South Park mock its own weekly lessons here by equivocating at the cost of national destruction, but it also provides us with a very interesting episode on following fads. And it makes fun of Japanese people’s penises in the meantime.

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In “Le Petit Tourette,” South Park 1108, Cartman Admits to Gay Childhood

This episode is disturbing and hilarious. When Cartman learns of Tourette’s Syndrom, he starts cursing and claims to have developed this awful affliction. He uses it as an excuse to say anything he wants, including anti-Semitic slurs at the Broflovskis, who literally can’t do anything about it.

By the end of the episode, he actually does develop Tourette’s, however, and starts saying things about himself uncontrollably, like about his gay sexual encounters with his cousin. Terrified of going on national television and saying something he doesn’t want to – though originally thinking it would be awesome to curse on TV – Cartman prays to God:

How did I get myself into this? God? Please uh, I know I screwed up. I should have never pretended to have Tourette’s Syndrome, but see, ah I get it now. You can’t just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because, people don’t wanna hear things like “I touched penises with my cousin!” And I learned, you especially can’t say whatever you want on national television, ’cause, there could be kids watching. Please, God, don’t make me embarrass myself on national television. You must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right? Please, I need a miracle.

Not only is South Park making fun of itself for insisting that they should be allowed to say anything they want on TV and mocking those who insist that they shouldn’t because children could be listening (and those people not realizing that they shouldn’t allow their children to watch whatever they want late at night if this is such a concern), but it also plays on our constant prayers to God. Yeah, Cartman needs a miracle but it’s obviously his fault he’s in this situation and only wants God’s involvement when he’s screwed up royally.

A really great episode. What’d you think? Do you have Tourette’s and think that worse things should have happened to Cartman for being so horrible?

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Religion in the News: Anglicans Can’t Resolve Growing Tensions about Acceptability of Homosexuality

I know! I was also shocked to learn that religious institutions are concerning themselves with where people choose to put their private parts. But you read right.

The Issue

The Lambeth Conference, a once a decade event that assembles 670 Anglican bishops from around the world in Canterbury, is coming to an end, and one of the most contentious issues was how to deal with the presence of homosexuality within the church – both at the clergy and member levels. Apparently, there’s been a harsh division that’s only worsened since some homosexual clergymen were actually ordained.

The issue of homosexuality and its permissibility within the church was discussed at the conference, but apparently no conclusions were reached, perhaps due to the divided structure of the debate and discussion. Leaders who organized the conference think the inability to make decisions was positive since this issue is only moving towards an irreconcilable split within the Anglican Church.

My Thoughts

My dilemma here is whether or not to care if the Anglican Church splits over the issue of homosexuality. If it’s not obvious that I’m for letting people do that which makes them happy so long as they aren’t harming other people, I think I’ll go ahead and state that now, emphasizing that I think gay people should be allowed to do as they please. Why should I care? It doesn’t affect me and it’s not hurting others. What should anyone care?

Well, I imagine that religious fellows care because if they tolerate homosexuality and God really does turn out to hate homosexuals then these religious leaders fear that they will be sent to Hell for allowing it. I suppose that’s something to worry about if you’re convinced of such things. So since I’m not here to convince anyone to alter their worldviews, I have to return to what I can worry about: how much I care about the fate of the Anglican Church.

Why should we care at all what happens in the Anglican Church, you ask? Well, for one, if the church splits, it will become two separate churches, one fairly liberal (that tolerates homosexuality) and the other conservative (that shuns homosexuality). Currently, those factions keep one another in check and we have one institution that struggles internally with policy. That means people pretty much do what they want and though some people try to stop them, there’s no official policy backing their decisions.

On the other hand, if the Church splits, we will have one progressive religious institution (which I’m down with) but another institution that is dominated by religious conservatives and people who think that tradition is of the utmost importance. It’s basically the bishop’s call the way his territory goes; that means people in countries with fewer rights (e.g. African ones) will be subject to harsh persecutions for their life choices. People subject to the authority of this conservative “bent” will be screwed – but not by who they want. Already, some Nigerians have already had to flee their homes, seeking sanctuary in England, because the leaders of their church have sufficient power to hurt them.

This is my concern: that the conservative half of the church will become increasingly conservative and continue hurting and destroying the lives of people who are making their own decisions. Thus, I do care if the Anglican Church splits over the issue of homosexuality because the last thing I want is more conservative religious institutions in this world.

What do you think about this issue? Do you support the ordaining of homosexual bishops? Do you care if the Anglican Church splits over this issue? Are you Anglican and can you shed some light on this issue for us?

Click HERE to read about the Pope and his trip to Australia and HERE to read about some of the new changes starting this week at The Zen of South Park blog.

Topical Tuesday: If I Could Have Been the Author of Any Book it Would Have Been…

Slaughterhouse 5!

First, I jumped at the Bible. Oh to have written the Bible. But hey, I’m one guy in one place and that was written by dozens and dozens over the course of 1000 years so for the sake of keeping it a fascinating text, I let my dream of writing the Bible go.

My next reaction upon pondering this question was to look at my bookshelves and pick out something that I saw there. I love my book shelves. However, upon moving to San Francisco, I left them behind. I packed up hundreds and hundreds of books and stored them in my mother’s basement. With me came about two dozen.

I don’t really wish that I’d written any of the books I have here (other than maybe The Divine Comedy), and so I had to start thinking again from scratch. Of course, there are so many classics that I could have picked but what would my reasoning have been?

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn could have made a fine selection. Mark Twain was brilliant. The book was sensational, influential, historically relevant, etc. But somehow I decided that I wanted something else. At first I was toying with sci-fi: The Hobbit, Dune. I really like the idea of creating a whole different world and think that it’s very difficult. I would love to move people’s imaginations that way. Stephen King’s epic The Dark Tower could have been excellent but Chandler and I did say 1 book.

Thus, I settled on Slaughterhouse 5. There are a couple of reasons. Personally, I’ve read the book about a dozen times. It reads so quickly and never ceases to amaze me. You can take so much away from this book. There are great one liners that stay with you – i.e., So it goes. There are hilarious quips about life’s odd situations. Billy, for instance, has a huge penis, and says, you never know who’s going to have one.

What’s more, the book has amazing historical relevance (related to the Crusades and WWII), an incredible message about war that it doesn’t just tell you but makes you feel, and makes you think 6000 times about the structure of the universe and time and other such things. I use the image of the Rocky Mountains from the beginning of time until the end of time all the time to convey various points about the nature of time. That and the attitude of the Trafalmadorians about life just make it an absolutely incredible book, with no extra words to spare.

So, thanks a lot Kurt Vonnegut for doing it first. Though I may not get your much deserved acclaim for this incredible masterpiece, I can certainly say that your book has inspired me on a personal level and for my writing. If I could publish – nay, write – anything comparable to the things you achieve inside that book I’ll be a very happy man.

What’s your favorite book? What book do you wish you’d written? If they’re different why? Did you like Slaughterhouse 5?

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