Shyamalan’s The Happening Sucks Donkey Balls

My apologies if the title of this post is not becoming to your sense of propriety, but allow it to be my largest and most thorough warning about the importance of not seeing this movie. Holy crap, Shyamalan – were you even trying?

Sign one that there are problems: the movie is only 91 minutes long. Don’t get me wrong. I respect short films and not putting unnecessary stuffing and crap into a movie, but this was ridiculous. It was like it should have been 120 minutes and they took out the 30 minutes that actually made it a movie. Instead, I had 90 minutes of Mark Wahlberg in fields. Yee-f-ing-haw. For serious – why was this film made? Who greenlit this? Who in Hollywood said, yeah, that’s a good idea?

I am very movie tolerant. I only want to be entertained, and as a previous posting will indicate, I had very low expectations for this movie. That means it shouldn’t have been too hard to impress me. Talking with my friends afterwards, though, taught me something: M. Night Shyamalan films are hit and miss person to person. Some people like them and some people hate them. Not collectively, mind you, but on an individual basis. For instance, I liked The Village, a friend hated it and a third was fine with it. I hated Signs, a friend liked it and another loved it. Hit and miss person to person. But one thing is for sure: we all hated this. So did the guy three rows back who said, “That sucked,” the moment the credits started rolling.

Was it about scary wind? Was it a poor attempt at a global warming warning? Was it about love? Who knows? Maybe it wasn’t about anything. It had a few opportunities to get cool and scary at the end but Shyamalan decided to take a dump on those opportunities as though they were harlots with herpes trying to steal his 25 Euro. Nothing was happening in The Happening, read another review, and I echo that sentiment. Such a disappointment.

I award this movie 1.5 Chocolate Salty Balls because Zooey Deschanel had a nice rack. Unfortunately, her acting and Wahlberg’s totally sucked, but I hold Shyamalan accountable for that. Bad directing. Never mind – I’m taking back that half.

1 Chocolate Salty Ball.

What did you think? Feel free to disagree? What are your thoughts on Shyamalan and his other movies? Do you want to read about something truly scary? This crap movie was supposed to be frightening but if you check out the post with ex-cult member, Grace Lyerly, she can share experiences with you that are truly terrifying in real life.

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If you have no self respect and you want a copy of this movie – or maybe you just want it to burn – then enjoy your copy of The Happening.

Eszter’s Birthday and Curbing Writer’s Obsession

In addition to a review of The Happening which is coming later this afternoon, I am going to share something a little different than I usually do today. For you see, yesterday was Eszter’s birthday. Unfortunately, we were not able to spend the entire thing together because she was on a retreat for her job in Miami (Prophet, a consulting firm, brings together everyone in their company from all over the world for 48 hours of learning and fun) and didn’t fly back into Atlanta until 7 p.m. yesterday evening. Since she had a flight out of Atlanta (to Hungary) this morning at 7 a.m., and still had some packing to do, I decided that the best plan was not dinner reservations.

So, I made dinner myself. Eszter’s favorite foods are mango, asparagus, salmon, avocado and corn. Thus, I made Eszter’s Favorite Foods dinner. We had grilled corn on the cob, guacamole, mango-avocado salad, and salmon-asparagus fettuccine. Most of the recipes came from The Joy of Cooking which is available on my website, click here, under Lisa’s Pics. In addition I gave her a pearl bracelet (which matched pearl earrings and necklace I had given her two years ago). For dessert, there were homemade chocolate covered strawberries and a scrapbook that I made with photos of us around the world.

Now, it may sound like this was simple and easy, but let me tell you, I spent the day running around like crazy. I dragged my sister out of bed to help me pick out the bracelet, and the idea for the scrapbook was hers. She helped me grocery shop, assemble the book, and keep me calm. I owe the day’s successes to her. Fortunately, it was a great success and Eszter loved the whole thing (despite her exhaustion and oncoming cold). My stepmom also helped with some of the cooking and gave me good advice about order and technique.

So, it may sound like I did a good boyfriend thing but let me tell you, I walk around obsessed with my book every day and I thought that for putting up with me, Eszter deserved an evening of total attention and everything that she likes. As a writer, and many of my writer-readers understand this, it’s hard to think about anything else and stop being so egocentric. But it’s exceedingly necessary and having someone in your life to ground you and remind you of what’s really important in life is quite valuable. So treat that person, whoever he or she is, right.

Did I do good boyfriend work? What’s the nicest thing your significant other ever did for you? Did it make a difference?