Mickey and Disney are Selling Sex to Wholesome Christian Girls Through the Jonas Brothers’ Chastity Rings in the First New Episode of South Park Season 13, “The Ring” (1301)

What a sensational opening to season 13!!! God, I love South Park.

Kenny has a new girlfriend, who is allegedly a slut – a slut totally turned on by the Jonas Brothers. To get a BJ, Kenny take her to the Jonas Brothers (JB is the opposite of BJ) concert, and after the show, just as she’s about to take Kenny into the parking lot and give him what he wants, the Jonas Brothers call her and some other girls from the audience backstage.

The Jonas Brothers then tell them that they want to share their love of Jesus and pitch the idea of purity rings to the girls, convincing them to wear these rings; the rings signify a vow that they won’t engage in sexual activities, listen to swear words or watch naughty television (a dig at South Park). Kenny’s new girlfriend agrees to wear the ring and convinces Kenny to do the same. Unfortunately, chastity rings do nothing but make people boring – and watch Gray’s Anatomy.

Stan, Cartman and Kyle become concerned with how boring Kenny has become and realize that it’s the Jonas Brothers and their chastity ring nonsense that have made their friend so bland. At a public morning talk show where the Jonas Brothers are announcing their huge live, 3D Disney concert spectacular, the boys start yelling about what a sham the rings are. And who stops them? Mickey Mouse(!) who as we’ve already learned, promotes the chastity rings because by talking about how the Jonas Brothers don’t have sex, attention is naturally being drawn to the Jonas Brothers and sex. Thus, millions of good, wholesome, screaming and loving Christian girls are thinking about the Jonas Brothers’ penises simply by virtue of being told that they shouldn’t be thinking about the Jonas Brothers’ penises! This is Disney’s! huge scam to sell sex to little girls – little wholesome, Christian girls.

At the concert spectacular, where Mickey is threatening the boys, believing that they work for Dreamworks and are trying to sabotage him, Mickey begins ranting about how awful the Jonas Brothers are and how he only uses them to sell sex to stupid Christian girls.

The Jonas Brothers say, “a nice Christian symbol can’t be used for profit gains,” and “We’ve angered God.”

Mickey, continuing his rant: “Christians are stupid.”

Unbenownst to him, the microphones has been turned on and the curtain lifted. Everyone hears him and realizes how evil Disney is and how awful it’s machinations are. They boo Mickey, who grows into an angry and large fire-breathing monster – and Disney’s plans are ruined.

This excellent episode, though ostensibly about the Jonas Brothers, is about so much more. It’s about the culture of selling sex to our youth – and Disney isn’t the only guilty party, though this episode excellently exposes its seedy attempts. Cosmo girl is meant to lead young girls right into Cosmo, which holds women to ridiculous beauty standards and offers consistently stupid sexual advice, making women think that the goal of life is to hold onto their men. Selling sex starts younger and younger, and brilliantly, some people have figured out that pretending to sell the opposite makes people think you have honest intentions. However,  emphasizing how you don’t ever do something still makes people think about doing something.

Oh! And Kenny dies! Will he be coming back next episode? I think so. Just because the classic lines are gone doesn’t mean that Kenny can’t die when the story “needs” him to and be resurrected the following episode.

What did you think of this episode? Is this a good start to season 13?

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