Nicholas Cage Makes One of His Worst Movies Yet with “Bangkok Dangerous”

Holy crap, it was so bad. The acting throughout was pathetic and worthless. The attempts at symbolism were nauseating and over the top, slammed in my face like being kicked in the nuts. The directing was deplorable with scene after scene included surely because the directors (shame on Oxide Pang Chun and Danny Pang) thought it would be cool (the pointless shoot out in the room with the water bottles? WTF!?) – and what was with the stupid lighting choices in the climax. And what a ridiculous attempt at a love story.

Usually my reviews don’t go into these kinds of commentaries, but each of these elements (directing, symbolism, etc.) was so blatantly and obnoxiously noticeable that I couldn’t help but point them out.

In short, it was deplorable. It was reprehensible. It was bad. My dad likes to watch action movies when he walks on his treadmill, and he mentioned to me that he had this one in his queue. This review just reminded me to call him and warn him off of this one. If he tries this he’ll never want to get back on the treadmill again.

2 Chocolate Salty Balls – because no man should have fewer.

Potential Sequels: Peking Putrid, Singapore Stupid, Kuala Lumpur Retarded

If you either don’t believe me and want to see for yourself or love shitty movies, get your own copy of Bangkok Dangerous.

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Wanted: Action-Packed but Something’s Wanting

Boy was that a lot of blood. Yep, good job people – way to give us a lot of blood. Was it entertaining blood and entertaining action? Yes, fortunately, it was.

How was the plot? Well, when a guild of weavers suddenly becomes the world’s most powerful band of assassins, shaping world affairs according to a giant magical loom that spins a secret textilic language guided by the hand of – yep, you guessed it – fate, you have to wonder who in Hollywood decided not to ask for a few minutes of crafty rewriting. But, hey, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie (and no, you don’t see her topless – just the top of her ass-crack), and some no-name kid give us a reasonable show.

Well, honestly, I don’t know why the main character was who he was. He was a decent actor (though why he got on my ass at the end I’m not sure), but I don’t think he fit the part. I got him for the beginning but I just never bought him as the action-driving super-dude he was supposed to become. And this was the case for the rest of the movie. I never really got sucked into it: the plot, the characters or any of it really. I wanted to be sucked in and am very forthcoming when it comes to allowing myself to get into a movie, but this just never brought me there.

Overall, I only feel comfortable giving it 5 Chocolate Salty Balls, an average score for an average movie. Have you seen it? What did you think? Did Angelina Jolie look anorexic to you? Get your own copy of Wanted

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Indiana Jones and the Temple of something something – plus Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls

(If you’re looking for a post about the South Park episode making fun of this movie, click HERE)

A blog about South Park and religion, you say. Yes, I do, but there are other things to be discussed as well and that’s what I’m going to do. Since I just saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull I thought I’d take a moment to tell you what I thought. It was good. I used to write a newsletter called The Catalyst (maybe if I can find the old files then I’ll get them up online for all to read), and in it I did movie reviews. Even back then I loved South Park and my standard was Chocolate Salty Balls (CSB) – yes, Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls. I would assign 1 to 10 CSBs as my rating system. So, the new Indiana Jones movie gets 7.5 CSBs.

Now, bear in mind – if you think that’s a little high – that I am a fan of movies generally. So long as I have no expectations for a movie I can generally sit down and just enjoy it for its entertainment value. That being the case, I am very opinionated and crap is crap. This, however, was good. Harrison Ford was his usual quality self and Shia LeBeouf gave a rousing performance as well. It got a little cheesed up at the end, but it was an Indiana Jones movie and you could tell throughout that a cheese ending was coming. Fortunately, the action, though not nonstop, was regular enough and pretty decent. At first I was surprised by the supernatural plotline, but then I remembered that most Indiana Jone’s movies are actually that way. So, if you can set aside the supernatural and the cheese and realize that you’re watching a good old fashioned Indiana Jone’s movie in standard Lucas-Indiana Jones style, then you will probably enjoy.

One of the great parts about going, though, is that my girlfriend, Eszter (who you’ll be hearing from tomorrow), saw Sex and the City while I saw Indiana Jones. The only men in line for Sex and the City (and the 200 people preparing to go in were waiting together to go into the theatre, were a gay couple, an old man with his wife who was rather excited and one younger man, clearly with his significant other and looking depressed, ashamed and emasculated. It was pitiful and hilarious. All the other people were women.

Want your own copy? Get it: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

For another, check out my friend and fellow writer, Chandler Craig’s blog: chandlermariecraig.wordpress.com.

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